1kaicastle
There's nothing to expect here anymore. My other pages are now private.Thank you to everyone who supported and followed my art journey thru all those years. To those who cared and valued me, thank you.Goodbye.
It's a long read, but if you want it...
( TW: Suicide )
Broken Hopes & Broken Dreams
Original Blog Post: Aug. 2022
The plans didn't work out. I regret taking the step outside my bubble. It didn’t pan out. It was a fraud. Now we’re left with broken hopes and broken dreams.I shouldn’t have been that hopeful in the first place. It only led to disappointment. What I thought will pull us up from the ground financially, ended up to be false.I don’t have rich parents. I vowed to myself that I will help my family financially. But it was false hope. The intent to help family members was there. The means to do it is nowhere.I regret putting my graphic design career aside. It was my bread and butter. I didn’t want to give it up. Competition ate me. I don’t want to compete. I want to co-exist harmoniously with others. But the corporate world don’t think that way.All the unfortunate circumstances given, we’re back to zero, and having no place to start again. But I am left with no choice because, what else can I do? Art is the only thing I know now. It’s the only thing I know I can do. What even is my fallback skill? I don’t have one anymore. I'm stripped down by my mental illness. Drawing is the only thing I have now. And yet, no one wants my art. I don't wish this to anyone - to lose the passion to create.Now, I am thinking why these things are happening to me. Another year of being a burden. I grew up with faith in the One above. But my sinful self is questioning everything. Why is it that others can make a decent living and yet I can’t? Are these punishments for when I was a young delinquent juvenile? Are these because of all my wrong doings? Is this why, I'm the only one who can't make it?They say there will be another chance. There is - for you. Not for me. Same old same old. I saw a tweet that sums up what I’m feeling. It’s about having to afford necessities.
I want to shout out to the void. It’s never ending pain. Never ending. When one good thing happens to me, double the bad things that will come. It’s putting me in a downward spiral that is very difficult to climb back from. It’s bad for my mental health and I know it. And now it’s manifesting into physical pain; chest pain and headaches. Migraines and nausea. Depressive episodes are reeling in – uncontrollably. Anxiety is at an all-time high. Meds are running out. I won’t be able to afford it now. Harmful thoughts are making a comeback - my suicidal self is resurfacing. I want to end this all and not be a burden anymore.I don’t know anymore. If this is it, then I feel hopeless. I hate myself.
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